Realisations
by ShepsAngel
Summary: Tag to the Siege. Rodney comes to a few realisations about his feelings for John.Preslash McShep


"Rodney? What the hell do you think you're doing?" John winced at the sudden loud crack of Rodney's head hitting the underside of the console he was currently working on.

Rodney's flustered, and clearly pissed face appeared from under the console to glare at John. "Well Major, I would have thought that was obvious, even for a man of your obviously limited intelligence."

John, unfazed, took in Rodney's haggard appearance; bloodshot eyes, the slight shaking of his hands, the way his clothes looked like they had been slept in, although John knew that was an impossibility because he had it from a reliable source that Rodney hadn't slept in days, in fact said source couldn't remember the last time Rodney had slept. "When was the last time you slept McKay?"

"Oh yes. Because I have time to sleep. In case it had somehow escaped your notice Major, this city was just attacked by the Wraith, there's so much damage that I don't even know where to start. Now if you don't mind I really am very busy, and don't really have time to stand here and answer your inane questions." With that Rodney's head disappeared once again underneath the console he had been working on.

John stood, staring as Rodney's surprisingly nimble fingers worked their way through the ancient circuitry. There were so many things that he wanted to say, but somehow just wasn't able to find the right words, so instead he replied, "I'm sorry."

Rodney's fingers stilled, John heard him take a deep breath, and knew instantly that one of Rodney's, by now famous verbal tirades was imminent, before Rodney's head reappeared from under the console, blue eyes sparkling with what John could only classify as rage.

"Sorry! You're sorry! All I get before you run off to blow yourself up with a bomb that I helped to build, because I couldn't get the damn chair working in time is a lousy, 'so long McKay'. And then as if that wasn't bad enough I had to watch as you died." John opened his mouth to interrupt, but firmly closed it again when Rodney glared at him. "Oh yes, I know you didn't die Major, but for about 15 seconds you were dead, I watched as the tiny blip that was your life blinked out of existence." Rodney was fighting to hold back the tears now. "And then you breeze in here as if nothing ever happened, and act as if everything is ok between us, except it's not. Nothing will ever be the same, you have no idea what you've done."

John was stunned, and more than a little confused. He knew Rodney would be angry at him, but he had expected him to blow the whole situation off with a sarcastic comment about John being a self-sacrificing hero.

"Rodney, I really don't want this to ruin our friendship. I had no choice, I had to do it."

"No! No! You did not have to do it. Do you want to know something Major? I fixed it." Rodney let out a pained, humourless laugh. "I watched as you disappeared down the corridor to go blow yourself up, and all I could think was that someone else would have to fly the second jumper if I didn't fix the chair. I'd already failed you, I wasn't going to let anyone else die because of me, so I went back to the chair and I fixed it. And you want to hear something funny, I fixed it in time to watch you fly that damn jumper into the hive ship, so really Major there was absolutely no need for you to go and blow yourself up. You're just too quick to sacrifice yourself for everyone else. Now if you don't mind Major I do really have a lot of work to do."

John stood unmoving, watching as Rodney's head once again disappeared beneath the ancient console. He hated to see his friend in so much pain, and it was made all the more worse to know that he had been the one to cause that pain. But he really did have no choice, did he? God, he hated the way that McKay made him question himself.

"Look, Rodney," John began, expecting Rodney's head to once again pop up from under the ancient console, but it didn't. Rodney continued to work, ignoring John completely. "As much as you may not like what I did, I really did have no choice. When I got into that puddle jumper I was doing my job." John was interrupted as Rodney's hand jerked, sparking the console he was working on.

"Fuck" Rodney's head once again popped out from underneath the console. "Oh, I see," Rodney was speaking with a calmness that made John nervous, "So it's written in your contract that you have to sacrifice yourself at every available opportunity. Because really I must have skipped over that part."

John rolled his eyes at Rodney, before replying, "Come on McKay, don't be dense. It really is beneath you. You know full well what I mean. When I took over as Atlantis' Chief Military Officer, I also took on the responsibility to protect Atlantis, and everyone in it at all costs. My life is worth sacrificing if it meant that it would save someone else."

John could have sworn that he actually heard something snap inside McKay as his face took on an expression of pure, unadulterated rage. He was on his feet, and had crossed the room towards John, faster than he would have thought possible. Before he had a chance to react McKay was shoving him towards the door.

"Get out! You selfish bastard! Just get out and leave me alone!"

"Rodney. What the…"John didn't get a chance to finish his sentence as he found himself outside the door to McKay's lab, the door slammed shut in his face. "Rodney, let me in. We need to talk about this" John tried to overide the lock on the door using his ATA gene, but knew it was pointless. If Rodney didn't want him to get in, then he would make sure that the door remained locked. As he stood staring at the door, John realised that he had probably just lost the best friend that he had ever had.

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John was awoken by a pounding on his door, dragging himself from his bed he made his way across the room, and thought the door open. Standing in the doorway was Rodney McKay. John noted that Rodney looked even worse than he had when he had seen him hours earlier, his eyes were glazed over, and unfocused, his whole body was shaking, and he looked as though he might fall over at any moment. Rodney stood, staring at John, unmoving, barely blinking.

"Rodney. Are you okay?" Before John had a chance to react he found his lips locked with McKay's. John found himself to stunned to say or do anything, but before he knew it Rodney was pulling away. "Um, sorry, sorry. I just, you know, needed to know that you were real, and that I wasn't dreaming you, and clearly you are real. In which case can we just pretend that this," He waved his hand between them uncomfortably, "never happened."

He turned to leave, and found his legs giving way beneath him. Had John not been there to grab his arm he would have himself lying face down on the floor. John firmly took hold of Rodney's arm and practically dragged him over to the bed. As much as he wanted to believe that Rodney had feelings for him beyond friendship, he knew that Rodney was just exhausted, running on empty, and reacting to the fact that John had nearly died.

"Look Rodney, you're exhausted. I know that you don't have feelings for me. Why don't you get some sleep and we can just forget all about it. Ok."

"No, no, no, no, you're getting it all wrong. I love you John. I saw you die, and I knew that I'd never see you again, and it hit me. I am actually, truly, head over heels in love with you John Sheppard"

To say that John was stunned would be an understatement, although Rodney's words might have carried a bit more weight had he not been slurring them, as he slid sideways onto John's bed. Before John had a chance to react, Rodney was finally asleep. Knowing that Rodney had been so out of it that when he woke up he would remember any of their conversation, he leaned down to plant a kiss on the astrophysicists forehead, he whispered, "I love you too Rodney."

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Rodney woke to find himself, well he wasn't really sure where he was, but he wasn't in his quarters, that much he was sure of. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he turned to find Major Sheppard asleep in the chair by his bed. Seeing John, the events of the previous night hit Rodney full force. He had told John he loved him. Why on earth had he been so stupid. He'd gone and ruined the best friendship he had ever had. He slowly got up from the bed, with every intention of creeping out before John woke up, he really didn't think that he could bear to face the Major right now, couldn't bear to see the pity in his eyes.

As Rodney crept across what was clearly the Major's quarters, a new memory stirred within him. The memory of John kissing his forehead, of John telling him that he loved him too. Rodney jumped as he heard Sheppard stirring.

"Rodney?"

"Morning" Rodney turned to face John, before blurting out, "You told me you loved me."

"Um, yes, yes I did. Although I must admit that I thought you wouldn't remember that." The Major's face took on a pained expression, "Look Rodney, I'm sorry. I really don't want my feelings for you to ruin our friendship. We can just forget all about it, and pretend that I never said anything."

"No Major, I really don't think that we can do that." Rodney wanted to laugh as he saw John's face fall. "Because if I remember correctly I told you I loved you first. In light of this new evidence I don't think that we can go back to just being friends. Unless of course that's what you really want."

"God, no. Rodney. I don't want that. I just that, you know you were exhausted, and everything."

"You didn't think I meant it. Well then how about I prove to you just how much I meant it Major." Rodney leaned in to kiss his, but was stopped by a hand on his chest.

"John."

"What?"

"You just told me that you love me, and now you're about to kiss me. I think that you can call me John."

"Ok, John." Rodney smirked before leaning in kiss him. This time John was expecting it, and fully prepared, returned the kiss with as much passion as he was receiving.


End file.
